“I’m truly grateful for the existence of AWARE. I wouldn’t have been able to go through what i am facing at this moment without the counselling sessions I have been having at AWARE. Thanks so much.”

- Eve, 35 years, Chinese, Singapore Citizen

“AWARE has helped me to handle my problem. It gives you security and help build on your inner strength.”

“Coming to counselling at AWARE enables me to look at options available to me.  It helps make them clear so I can make a decision.”

“AWARE Counselling sessions allows me the space to express my feelings and talk about the difficulties I can’t find to talk elsewhere”

“When I first heard about AWARE, I was sceptical and didn’t think that anyone would be able to render any assistance in my situation then. It was when I took a bet and thought I had nothing to lose anyway, and, together with the support of my friends and family that I was able to bring myself to through the door and into the cold room where I was welcomed by a warm and friendly counsellor. From then onwards, I took a leap forward with my life and am where I am today.  It’s been 4 months now. I feel I am a totally different person from the day I walked into the cold room and now. Thank you AWARE for being there available for me.“

“Each time I talked to my friends and colleagues about the ongoing AWARE issue, they are puzzled why I have spoken with so much anger. There are a lot of women who are indifferent about the issues, and men who think this is a women’s problem. Some said that a new organisation can easily replace AWARE so why should we be so bothered by the new Exco and their non inclusive stand.

Being a gay person, I am sure many of my friends though that I am feeling so frustrated because the new Exco is anti gay and I felt threatened. Yes, the matter of fact is, I do. But let me explain why I am with the old guard. I should also clarify that I only joined as an associate member of AWARE recently but I have been very aware of what old AWARE represents. And it all started when I was 14 years old.

One night when I was 14 years old, I found myself sitting in the old New Bridge Road police station, waiting for my mother to complete her police statement. My mother has just been beaten by my father after months of verbal abuses. It was about 1am. There were no visible bruises and the policeman on duty told my mother that he could not do much to my father than to bring him down to the station and give him a verbal warning. Unless, in his own words, someone is visibly injured or dead. I was sitting next to my mother and listening to all these. My mother decided against the police going to our place to bring my father to the station. She feared that things would be worsened. For the rest of the night, my mother and myself sat outside the station. I was so worried that my mother would get a chill so I bought a cup of hot milo for her from the vending machine. That was the only thing this small built boy could do. I remember that cold night till today, that overwhelming helplessness of being a 14 years old boy who could not do anything to help his abused mother.

That was not the only time I felt that way. When I was 7 years old, after my father’s repeated beating, my mother left home without a single penny. Later she told me that she had to beg for a 10 cent from a stranger to call her sister for help. She was standing on the street with nothing except her clothes. In another occasion, I accompanied her to look for a place to stay when the abuse increased. We walked through the entire Joo Chiat area but nothing was affordable or safe enough for her to stay in. Hopeless and helpless, we went back home, which was increasingly more like a battlefield than a sanctuary. From that very young age, I learnt to be present at home whenever possible so that in case of a dangerous situation, I could shield her or do anything to protect her. Most of the time, I was disappointed that no one seemed to be able to render any assistance. I have to clarify here that my mother was not the soft Asian woman you can imagine. However, she has gotten into a wrong marriage because she wanted to break away from my grandfather’s control. Unfortunately, in those days, you could walk away from your father but it was not so easy for you to walk away from your abusive husband. No one, apart from those who walked this journey before, will understand how vulnerable we felt.

The first sign of hope came when NMP Dr Kanwaljit Soin pushed for the amendment of Women Charter in 1997. I was so excited that I borrowed a copy of the Women Charter publication from the National Library and read it to my mother. We finally knew and got our rights. I watched the debate in the Parliament when NMP Soin spoke and I swear to the god that she is the only female MP whose face and name I could remember till now.

Finally, with the new Women Charter in place and the family court more empowered to do more for domestic violences, my mother decided to end the marriage when my father hit her for the last time and a Personal Protection Order was issued. Despite of the PPO, my mother’s lawyer, Ms Ellen Lee, now MP for Sembawang GRC tried so hard to ensure our safety during the divorce proceeding. She even allowed us to use her office address in Beach Road as a correspondence address so that our actual place of residence would not be exposed.

After a long legal battle, we got our lives back, leaving the years of living in constant fear and abuses behind. I regained my trust that there is justice in this world and women and children should be protected against any wrongful acts by their male family members. What Dr Soin and AWARE probably would not know is that their fight for women rights have changed the life of a boy who they never know.

I cannot tolerate the new Exco’s attempt to deny the good works by these women and AWARE. And I cannot trust them when the church they belonged to, openly stated that ‘the wife is in subjection to her husband’ and ‘women [are] to continually deny themselves and yield the rule to men’. This statement alone makes me feel so sick, the same sick feeling I had when the policeman told me that he could not do anything.

In Singapore we are so used to take a neutral stand on everything, until it affects you. I know exactly how that feels. For you who has the right to cast your vote and decide not to do anything at all, you might regret it when you need it.”

I was in such a state of confusion.  I love my husband and I was quite sure he loved me too.  But I don’t want to be hit anymore.

Luckily a friend told me about the AWARE Helpline and I called them up.  The lady calmed me down and helped me think about what I wanted to do next.  She also referred me to a counselor and I went to see her at the AWARE centre.  She helped me clear up a lot of my tangled emotions and helped me see that my marriage was not doomed even though I had to take action to stop the abuse.

Thanks to AWARE, I sought further help to end the cycle of abuse, and I am still married, and we now have a loving relationship.  We are planning to have a baby next year, when hopefully the economy picks up and our jobs are more secure.

I have been an Aware helpliner since 2005. I man the helpline at least twice a month, and each shift is three hours long. If you include traveling time, this easily translates to half a day twice a month or one day per month.

Before we started manning the helpline, we attended weekly training sessions for three months. After being trained our obligation is to help man the helpline for a year. Helpliners are tested and monitored for competency as helpliners way after our training has ended. All helpliners are volunteers and are not paid. Of my original batch, only two other ladies remain. Of them one is still active in Aware and the second is working at Aware part-time.

My main reason for becoming a helpliner was altruistic, just as many others who volunteer: I wanted to help. I also wanted to acquire telephone counseling skills, and Aware provided the training. In helping, I knew I would feel good about myself. I found that I got so much more than that.

In the initial months of manning helpline, I found myself leaving each shift emotionally drained, even weepy. There are many women out there facing multiple life challenges with their lives in dire states. Then I noticed how I started bringing comfort food with me – chocolate, cookies and other munchies.

It took a while but I learnt to disassociate myself from the pain callers were experiencing. I learnt to recognize that my time on the helpline was the caller’s time. Aware was probably her last resort. If I gave in to emotions and cried alongside her, I might be losing this one opportunity to be of service to her. If I gave up on her, she would be likely to do so too. In addition, I needed to remember that her life situation was hers. I could listen, suggest, encourage, even challenge gently but it was still her life and her decision to make. There was no me. It was all about her.

My confidence in my ability as a helpliner grew with time and experience. The Aware Direct Services staff (one full-timer then, we now have one full-timer and two part-timers) would be on hand to debrief after calls, and this added my knowledge. When my obligatory one year was up, I just kept going.  I now possessed not only the skills of a counselor and knowledge of the types of referral services available in Singapore but also the experience that could only be acquired with time.

I have affirmed the strength of callers who plough on against all odds. I have attempted to extend hugs of love over the phone. I have smiled, laughed, even cried (in my heart) with my callers. I have nothing but love and good wishes for each of them. And I have never expected anything in return.

Being a helpliner has taught me the difference between empathy and sympathy; compassion and pity; and listening with the ear and heart. Being a helpliner has caused me to reflect on my life, my own challenges and the many things I have to be grateful for. In short, being a helpliner has made me a better person – a better daughter, friend, and woman.

As women, we are able to support one another in a way men cannot. As a woman, I can empathize with heartaches because I have lived through my own share. As a woman and a helpliner, I am abandoning lofty notions of saving the world; instead I am humbling myself in lifting up one person at a time. It all boils down to that one person on the other end of the line.

With this recent state of events at Aware, the helpliners are forging on and it is still business as usual. However the current Exco have been rude to staff, questioned operations, asked to observe and attempted to enter the helpline room. The future of the Aware helpline which has been available to all women in Singapore for the last 15 years is now hanging by a thread.
Anonymous

Helpliners are available Monday – Friday from 3 – 9:30pm at 1800 774 5935.

AWARE’s Direct Services are designed to support women achieve growth and psychological peace of mind. Whether it is learning to handle and resolve a current life crisis, dealing with a painful past, adjusting to change or seeking out new directions, our services can help individuals identify personal areas of improvement, achieve positive change, and realise their highest potential. The Aware Helpline attends to callers in need of phone counseling and provides referral services. The women you’ll speak with have undergone professional training that prepares them to help you with a variety of concerns.