We Are Aware » history

Chronology of AWARE Saga

admin — Wed, 06 May 2009 22:24:56 +0000

Jan – March 2009: A sudden and unprecedented spike in AWARE membership.

Sat March 28: An unusually large turnout during the AWARE AGM (about 3 times bigger than normal, almost 80% are new members.

Newcomers defeat seasoned AWARE members to win 9 of 12 positions on the executive committee. Newcomers have no subcommittee experience. Claire Nazar, a member since January last year, was elected unopposed as president.

Wed April 8: Claire Nazar resigns as president, stating differences in decison to remove key sub-committee members and her disapproval of their “stormtrooper” tactics

Tues April 14: AWARE’s old guard leads 160 members in calling for an Extraordinary General Meeting (EGM).

Wed April 15: New Exco appoints DBS executive, Josie Lau, as new AWARE President. DBS issues a statement saying it does not support her taking up the post.

Thurs April 16: Two-time Aware President and former NMP Braema Mathi is told by e-mail she is no longer in charge of producing a key report on discrimination against women in Singapore for the UN.

Fri April 17: Josie Lau issues a statement questioning the motives of the old guard in calling for an EGM and asks if they harbour another agenda. Old guard issues a statement to say its motives and objectives have been fully visible the past 25 years.

Sat April 18: Veteran member and former president Constance Singam resigns as Aware’s adviser.

Sun April 19: Josie Lau refuses to be interviewed on TV together with Dana Lam, ex-President. She and Maureen Ong are subsequently interviewed on Talking Point (without Ms. Lam presence at the same interview).

Tues April 21: Campaign site http://www.we-are-aware.sg/ launched.

Thurs April 23: Introducing Dr Thio Su Mien, as their “feminist mentor”, new Exco claims AWARE has become single purpose organisation overly concerned with promoting lesbianism.

New Exco intentionally excludes current Honorary Treasurer Chew I-Jin (elected by old guards) from their news conference.
Current president Josie Lau claims she received death threats.
At the same time, New Exco changes locks at the office despite vote of no-confidence and upcoming EGM.
The centre’s manager, Schutz Lee, was fired without reason.

Fri April 24: The Old Guards holds a news conference addressing New Exco’s claims: the issue is not about whether the organisation has strayed from its original aims, but more about ensuring that there is space for diversity of views in society.

Sat May 2: Extraordinary General Meeting is scheduled.

Congratulatory Messages from AWARE Supporters

admin — Tue, 05 May 2009 06:33:38 +0000

May 5 – Email from Harmin Kaur
May 5 – Email from Steve Thio
May 5 – Email from Stephanie Chok, PhD Candidate, Asia Research Centre
May 5 – Email from Anu Selva
May 5 – Email from Kavitha Dorairaj
May 4 – Email from Kerry Wilcock, Manager of AWARE Direct Services
May 4 – Email from Suchen Christine Lim
May 4 – Email from Adeline Kueh
May 4 – Email from Indra R. L. Iswaran
May 4 – Email from Fanny Ler
May 4 – Email from Lenore Lyons

1. May 5 – Email from Harmin Kaur

What i miss about AWARE is the passion of all you fantastic women.

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. You begin to see the value of something when you are at risk of losing it. AWARE has touched so many women in different ways and the risk of losing that voice which fights for our rights was horrifying.

This is a big victory for AWARE, civil society and Singapore Women.

Once again thank you for keeping the flame alive. Your courage, spirit and fervor are inspirational. I look forward to seeing you all again soon.

2. May 5 – Email from Steve Thio

It was an honour for me to help and assist an organisation that has done so much to further the cause of the minorities and marginalised. The little I did is nothing compared to all that AWARE has done through the years.

I can only hope now that the organisation will grow stronger, more respected and achieve its goals with the support of more people.

Congrats and well done!

1. May 5 – Email from Stephanie Chok, PhD Candidate, Asia Research Centre

CONGRATULATIONS!!! To all of you and your amazing team!

What an incredible, inspiring and historic event.

Dana, Congratulations on being AWARE President! I was so happy and relieved to see up on stage at the end, and it was heartwarming to see the new Exco on stage, arms linked.

I was glued to my laptop all Saturday here in Perth, obsessively clicking on The Online Citizen and following the Twitter trail (the power of online media!). And Sunday I was obsessively watching all the online videos I could find, cheering and boo-ing in my living room. (Oh how I wished I could’ve been there!!)

It was truly wonderful to see all these women (and men) gathered to restore justice and I really thought the (old and now present!) AWARE team did an awesome job and provided such a direct contrast to the (new and now former) Exco!

It has inspired hope in many, judging from the burst of energy online and everyone’s facebook status updates.

Thank you! And all the best in the coming weeks and the work that lies ahead. There is much to look forward to!

Warm congratulatory hugs

2. May 5 – Email from Anu Selva

It was the most inspiring day of my life and my hope in this country was renewed by the intelligence, passion and charisma of so many of the women I met and the men who put in as much heart and hard work. Thanks for allowing me the chance to do the wee bit I did.

3. May 5 – Email from Kavitha Dorairaj

I too would like to thank you for the opportunity to do a small part. I am deeply honoured that I could help in what little way. It was amazing to see such strong, intelligent, articulate women and men coming together and standing up for what they believe in.

4. May 4 – Email from Kerry Wilcock, Manager of AWARE Direct Services

As a staff member at AWARE, I appreciate the passionate work that has gone into reclaiming ‘our AWARE’ over the past 5 weeks. It has been an incredibly hostile space for us to continue to offer a place for women to ‘heal’. Despite this, our Direct Service team have continued to do their job and fight for safety for our clients. Clients have told us over and over again how important AWARE is to them and have even shown concern to our counsellors.

We have an exciting year ahead. I feel priviledged to be part of this organisation. I have no doubt that we are capable to stepping up to the challenge.

Let’s do it!

5. May 4 – Email from Suchen Christine Lim

Greetings to new President and Vice President.

All of Singapore and the Maldives cheered and yelled ourselves hoarse when we heard the great news on the phone. We danced on the sand pit and hugged each other! I felt so proud of all of you, Singapore’s woman warriors.

It made me cry and laugh at the same time.

I am proud to be Singaporean!

Hugs to all my friends in AWARE!

6. May 4 – Email from Adeline Kueh

Phrases from Maya Angelou’s Phenomenal Woman kept running through my mind when we-are-aware members spoke – their dedication, humility & tireless drive for the cause was awe-inspiring

Hat’s off to these women & the men who are there to support our cause!

7. May 4- Email from Indra R. L. Iswaran

Dear Dana and Team,

Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations for a successful return of a more suitable team that will drive AWARE in a positive direction. Well done for a great job done for keeping the fires of progress burning for the Singapore women. I realise how much the organisation needs the support… each and everyone of us were mistaken and lulled into a sleep mode thinking there were many there to do their bit. Little did I realise till I watched the interviews and transmissions on RAZORTV that it was in dire need of support. Well here I am and would love to help where ever the need arises to help make a difference.

Warmest regards and a huge hug to the AWARE members
Indra R. L. Iswaran

8. May 4 – Email from Fanny Ler

Good day to you. I would like to extend my congratulation to you and your committee for fight hard to take back the in-charge of AWARE administrative office and am really happy for you.

Although I am not able to join AWARE due to my gender still reflected as Male, but I had signed the online petition that had posted some times back. I had also sent my email expressing my point of view about the New Exco to PMO and explained to Govt about my (our) worries when New Exco took over. I guess most of us got it correct that they are just a bunch who “bullshited” the public.

Anyway, I’m glad that AWARE office had now return back to the old members and I believed the new leader will lead AWARE to the next greatest height to promote gender equality.

Last but not least, my name is Fanny and I’m a Transsexual in Singapore. I’m currently going through my transitioning and into last stage. Once I’m able to affort my sex change operation, after my sex change, i will join AWARE liao.

9. May 4 – Email from Lenore Lyons

I just wanted to pass on my congratulations and support for the new Exco appointed at the EGM. As a longstanding Friend of AWARE I have been watching events unfold with a growing sense of alarm and dismay. I have every faith in the incoming Exco and believe that they will do a fantastic job of continuing AWARE’s important work.

Past Blog Posts

admin — Mon, 04 May 2009 07:15:51 +0000

Blog Posts on The Aware Saga up to May 4th 2009

Videos | Blogs from Home | Blogs from Abroad Videos (Just for laughs)

Blogs from Home Ground

From the World Wide Blogosphere

Quotes: Before and After

admin — Sat, 02 May 2009 22:27:25 +0000

Post-EGM

“The feeling in the room was electrifying. I still can’t get over the fact that we got Aware back. It is a great moral victory.”- Constance Singam, past president of Aware

“It has been a privilege to be part of this whole effort to save Aware.” – Dana Lam, newly elected president of Aware

“It was a great demonstration by Singaporeans of what they believe in, or rather, what they do not believe.” – Eileena Lee, 38, Aware member since 2002

“You have not been open and honest with us from the beginning. I am concerned that if you remain in office, you will change the fundamental nature of Aware.” – Former Aware president Zaibun Siraj, on Ms Josie Lau’s team

“The members have spoken. It was a resounding, clear mandate about who we want to lead us.” – Kamalini Ramdas, 36, Aware volunteer since 2000

“Discussing sexual behaviours and practices does not make a child a homosexual.” – A psychologist, who declined to be named. She took the floor and said she used to work with abused teenagers as a counsellor with the former Ministry of Community Development.

“They were just out of their depth. They could not hold their own on any issues. What they demonstrated today was that they did not understand what Aware stood for and what it is all about. They are totally incapable of leading the organisation.” – Seri Suriyani, 37, a client director at a branding consultancy firm

“I thought they had it rough but they could have handled the situation better. Josie appeared arrogant to me from her choice of words and demeanour. She kept calling for security and had to repeat it two or three times. You would expect better standards of organisation from the leadership. The team’s words were also not well thought out, whereas the old guard came very prepared.” – Kamalam Suppiah, 50, a lawyer

Pre-EGM

“I arrived at the meeting late and found out that I was No. 100 on the attendance list. I’ve been a member for 10 years, and never before has there been such a turnout” – Former president Tan Joo Hymn

“It was alarming. How could a new member who had just joined for a couple of months, and whom we knew nothing about, be picked over someone who has been with Aware for more than 15 years?” – Former president Dana Lam

“I attended the AGM and it was heartbreaking when I stood up and asked if they understood the principles of AWARE and they did not answer.” – Nancy Griffiths, mother of two and AWARE member since 2002

“Why can’t they come in and be part of the process, and build it together and in a more evolutionary manner? That way, the comfort level will be high for everyone.” – Former NMP, Former President Braema Mathi and Head of CEDAW Committee (prior to ignominous sacking by Exco)

“It is clear from the first exco meeting that they were not going follow my direction… it was pointless for me to carry on.” “[the new Exco is] too gung-ho… with its stormtrooper tactics.” – Claire Nazar on on why she quit as President just 11 days after she won the seat.

“This is not a gay versus Christian debate. It is getting away from what Aware stands for. We have spoken up and initiated discussion on a lot of much broader issues – foreign worker abuse, domestic abuse, financial intelligence, education, body image, sexual harassment. We address issues that have large and wide implications which affect society.“ – Former president Constance Singam

“Our values, which are the essence of this organization, are based on the fundamental rights and responsibilities of women as women. These include being treated as informed individuals capable of choice; being deserving of opportunities equal to those of men in education, marriage and employment; and being able to control their own bodies, particularly with regard to sexual and reproductive health. Upholding and promoting these values is at the core of AWARE, and I expect members who want to serve on the EXCO, particularly as office bearers, to understand and support this.” – Former president Constance Singam

“How can you let past such as situation in which the new leaders could not unequivocally say they believe in the principle of gender equality?” – Nur Adlina Maulod on why she is supporting the SaveAware Cause

“I realise that I have to pay a bigger part in such issues that I care about, because they can easily be hijacked.” – Natasha Ho on why she signed up as a new Member

The AWARE Saga

admin — Sat, 02 May 2009 06:21:34 +0000

A brief look at the events leading up to the 2nd May 2009 AWARE EGM that galvanized the nation.

On March 28, AWARE was taken over by a group of newcomers who had only recently joined the organisation. 102 people turned up for AWARE’s annual general meeting (AGM), which had been relatively less well-attended in the past. 80 of these attendants had only recently joined AWARE between January and March 2009.

When the election of office bearers began, almost every position was challenged by a member of this group. 9 out of 12 of the executive committee memberships went to newcomers, who were voted in by wide majorities.

Claire Nazar nominated by out-going President, Constance Singam, was the only one voted in unopposed. She resigned the Presidency 11 days into office. Josie Lau was subsequently appointed by the new Exco to take her place.

There are wide-ranging suspicions that this “leadership grab” has been orchestrated by women seeking to use the name and the resources of a well-respected institution to further their own agenda.

These concerns have been expressed not only by onlookers, but by older members of Aware.

The new group at the AGM felt that it was not relevant to make known their “religion and views on homosexuality”.
Except for Jenica Chua (and old AWARE members, Caris Lim and Chew I-Jin) other members of the new Exco joined AWARE only in the last five months; none of them has served in AWARE committees nor participated in AWARE initiatives as volunteers.
The new Exco has terminated all the current heads of the AWARE sub-committees, including Braema Mathi, Chairperson of AWARE’s CEDAW Committee (CEDAW stands for Convention for the Elimination of all forms of Discrimination Against Women, an international bill of rights for women adopted by the UN).
The new Exco has kept ex-President, Constance Singam out of Exco meetings, which is unconstitutional.
Constance Singam and Claire Nazar have resigned from the new Exco on the grounds that their advice and direction have been totally disregarded by members of the new Exco.
The new president, Josie Lau and 5 other Exco members belong to the same church, Church of Our Saviour. Given this, it is very likely, in our view, that they have acted in concert to take over AWARE. We do not know why as they have refused to disclose their reasons to either members of AWARE or to the press and this makes us even more worried. They, or persons whom they have been associated with, have written homophobic letters to the press. While that is their personal conviction to which they are entitled, we do not want AWARE to be made into a vehicle for any hidden agenda.
Josie Lau, was in charge of the DBS Charity Drive in support of Focus On The Family, US-based Christian organisation that is opposed to abortion and equal rights for sexual minorities. This created a controversy last year which was well-documented.
160 members, including former AWARE committee members and founder members, petitioned for an extraordinary general meeting to consider a vote of no confidence in the New Exco on the basis that the New Exco has not acted and is not acting in the best interest of AWARE; does not appreciate or share the values of AWARE and does not have the requisite experience of carrying out AWARE’s work or is otherwise inadequate to further AWARE’s objectives. An EGM will be held on 2 May 2009.

Statements from Past Counselling Clients

admin — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 07:41:41 +0000

“I’m truly grateful for the existence of AWARE. I wouldn’t have been able to go through what i am facing at this moment without the counselling sessions I have been having at AWARE. Thanks so much.”

- Eve, 35 years, Chinese, Singapore Citizen

“AWARE has helped me to handle my problem. It gives you security and help build on your inner strength.”

- Erna, 40 years, Malay, Singapore Citizen

“Coming to counselling at AWARE enables me to look at options available to me. It helps make them clear so I can make a decision.”

- Nancy, 65 years, Chinese, Singapore Citizen

“AWARE Counselling sessions allows me the space to express my feelings and talk about the difficulties I can’t find to talk elsewhere”

- Su Lin, 37 years, Chinese, Singapore PR

“When I first heard about AWARE, I was sceptical and didn’t think that anyone would be able to render any assistance in my situation then. It was when I took a bet and thought I had nothing to lose anyway, and, together with the support of my friends and family that I was able to bring myself to through the door and into the cold room where I was welcomed by a warm and friendly counsellor. From then onwards, I took a leap forward with my life and am where I am today. It’s been 4 months now. I feel I am a totally different person from the day I walked into the cold room and now. Thank you AWARE for being there available for me.“

- Anne, 26 years, Chinese, Singapore citizen

Bryan Choong’s Story

admin — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 07:38:55 +0000

Written on April 30, 3a.m.

“Each time I talked to my friends and colleagues about the ongoing AWARE issue, they are puzzled why I have spoken with so much anger. There are a lot of women who are indifferent about the issues, and men who think this is a women’s problem. Some said that a new organisation can easily replace AWARE so why should we be so bothered by the new Exco and their non inclusive stand.

Being a gay person, I am sure many of my friends though that I am feeling so frustrated because the new Exco is anti gay and I felt threatened. Yes, the matter of fact is, I do. But let me explain why I am with the old guard. I should also clarify that I only joined as an associate member of AWARE recently but I have been very aware of what old AWARE represents. And it all started when I was 14 years old.

One night when I was 14 years old, I found myself sitting in the old New Bridge Road police station, waiting for my mother to complete her police statement. My mother has just been beaten by my father after months of verbal abuses. It was about 1am. There were no visible bruises and the policeman on duty told my mother that he could not do much to my father than to bring him down to the station and give him a verbal warning. Unless, in his own words, someone is visibly injured or dead. I was sitting next to my mother and listening to all these. My mother decided against the police going to our place to bring my father to the station. She feared that things would be worsened. For the rest of the night, my mother and myself sat outside the station. I was so worried that my mother would get a chill so I bought a cup of hot milo for her from the vending machine. That was the only thing this small built boy could do. I remember that cold night till today, that overwhelming helplessness of being a 14 years old boy who could not do anything to help his abused mother.

That was not the only time I felt that way. When I was 7 years old, after my father’s repeated beating, my mother left home without a single penny. Later she told me that she had to beg for a 10 cent from a stranger to call her sister for help. She was standing on the street with nothing except her clothes. In another occasion, I accompanied her to look for a place to stay when the abuse increased. We walked through the entire Joo Chiat area but nothing was affordable or safe enough for her to stay in. Hopeless and helpless, we went back home, which was increasingly more like a battlefield than a sanctuary. From that very young age, I learnt to be present at home whenever possible so that in case of a dangerous situation, I could shield her or do anything to protect her. Most of the time, I was disappointed that no one seemed to be able to render any assistance. I have to clarify here that my mother was not the soft Asian woman you can imagine. However, she has gotten into a wrong marriage because she wanted to break away from my grandfather’s control. Unfortunately, in those days, you could walk away from your father but it was not so easy for you to walk away from your abusive husband. No one, apart from those who walked this journey before, will understand how vulnerable we felt.

The first sign of hope came when NMP Dr Kanwaljit Soin pushed for the amendment of Women Charter in 1997. I was so excited that I borrowed a copy of the Women Charter publication from the National Library and read it to my mother. We finally knew and got our rights. I watched the debate in the Parliament when NMP Soin spoke and I swear to the god that she is the only female MP whose face and name I could remember till now.

Finally, with the new Women Charter in place and the family court more empowered to do more for domestic violences, my mother decided to end the marriage when my father hit her for the last time and a Personal Protection Order was issued. Despite of the PPO, my mother’s lawyer, Ms Ellen Lee, now MP for Sembawang GRC tried so hard to ensure our safety during the divorce proceeding. She even allowed us to use her office address in Beach Road as a correspondence address so that our actual place of residence would not be exposed.

After a long legal battle, we got our lives back, leaving the years of living in constant fear and abuses behind. I regained my trust that there is justice in this world and women and children should be protected against any wrongful acts by their male family members. What Dr Soin and AWARE probably would not know is that their fight for women rights have changed the life of a boy who they never know.

I cannot tolerate the new Exco’s attempt to deny the good works by these women and AWARE. And I cannot trust them when the church they belonged to, openly stated that ‘the wife is in subjection to her husband’ and ‘women [are] to continually deny themselves and yield the rule to men’. This statement alone makes me feel so sick, the same sick feeling I had when the policeman told me that he could not do anything.

In Singapore we are so used to take a neutral stand on everything, until it affects you. I know exactly how that feels. For you who has the right to cast your vote and decide not to do anything at all, you might regret it when you need it.”

Counsellor’s Notebook: Just a listening ear

admin — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 07:46:38 +0000

Wee Kiat wasn’t your typical cool, good looking dude that many girls swooned over at school. Instead, he was the nerdy, bookish type that wore glasses that were too big for him. I was not attracted to him initially. We were in the same Chinese language class and bonded over our common dislike for the language and the teacher. He was witty and had a great sense of humour. We started hanging out during recess and lunch breaks and found that we both enjoyed reading and writing poetry. Our conversations grew and became more intense. We had so much to talk about and shared so much in common: literature, music, the arts.

Coming from an all girls school, I’d never had such an intense relationship with a boy before and it felt strange and unusual for me, yet at the same time it was an exhilarating experience. Even though we felt like a couple, I felt awkward talking about it and was afraid that he might not feel the same way about me. Could it be that he just treated me as a platonic friend? It was a weekday afternoon and the last period for us that day was Chinese Language. The thought of sitting through another boring class in the afternoon heat was unbearable to the both of us. We decided to skip that class and watch a movie in town instead. However, the school gates were locked during that period and we had to crawl under it in order to get out. We ran to the bus stop and quickly got on the bus that would take us to orchard. My heart was racing as we settled ourselves down on the bus seat. In retrospect, I think the thrill of our act of defiance made me feel closer to him and that was the first time I held his hand. I guess that was when we became an ‘official’ couple.

Several months went by without any major bumps in our relationship. The exams drew near and I started going to his house to study. Wee Kiat’s parents never came back till dinner time as they were both working. This meant that we often had his house to ourselves. Our study sessions started to turn physically intimate and one day, he suggested having sex. It did not seem out of the ordinary to me and I don’t know why I consented. It was an awkward experience for the both of us and I don’t remember enjoying it very much. After he had sex with me, I started crying. I don’t know why I did. After all, I did not think it was his fault as I did not resist. But somehow I felt really upset about what I did. I could not bear to tell my friends and family about it as I was afraid they would judge me.

I pretended that nothing was wrong in front of my other friends. But deep inside, I felt I had to confide in someone and get it off my chest and work though my feelings about what I did. I remembered I had seen an article in the newspaper several weeks before about a telephone counselling helpline for women. My parents are the sort that don’t throw out old newspapers very often and I set about to look for that article. I had never thought of approaching counsellors before but thought that was the only way to work out my feelings without revealing my identity. The hotline was the AWARE helpline. When I called the number, I was tentative at first and I think the counsellor could sense that. However, as our conversation went on, I started to feel more relaxed and started to talk more. All this while, I remember the counsellor was patient, and had a warm re-assuring voice. It certainly made a difference and after talking to her for over an hour, I felt so much better. I didn’t even know what I hoped to achieve from that call—but all I knew was that it gave me the opportunity to talk to someone during a period of confusion and I was happy and relieved that the woman at the end of the phone provided me with that.

Counsellor’s Notebook: Courage to Divorce

admin — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 07:45:47 +0000

I was married for 25 years and was a full time housewife to 3 children. My whole life was devoted to my 3 kids. My ex husband was a businessman with investments in Malaysia and Thailand. As a result of that, he was often out of the country. From very early on, I knew that my husband was not faithful to me. In fact, even during the first few years of our marriage, he was quite bold in his flirting—to the extent that his friends would also bring their girl friends to our house and he would be physically intimate with them. But I never threatened to divorce or leave him because I knew he loved our children and so did I. I don’t know how I managed to continue my life for 25 years. My husband was often verbally abusive towards me… he never hit me and he is not the sort who would. But when he got impatient with me sometimes, he woukld scold me: say I am ‘stupid’, or ‘silly’ or make negative remarks about me that would hurt me. But I often ignored these remarks. I guess it was because I was insecure and somehow admitted to myself then that he was right. In the last few years of our marriage, I was suspicious of him…I knew he was seeing a woman but did not know who it was. I never told my children about this but I suspected they knew as well. I did not want to involve them because it was embarrassing and I felt it was important to keep the family together.

One day, when I was helping him to clean his car, I chanced upon a photograph of a woman and he had his arms around her. At first, I grew numb and didn’t know how to react. I knew this had been happening but to actually chance upon the evidence was another thing all together. I cried for days and called my friends and relatives. I was lost and didn’t know what to do. I blamed myself because this was something that I knew my ex husband was capable of doing but somehow always conveniently denied it. My sister gave me the number of the AWARE helpline. I didn’t think it was acceptable for people to talk about their personal problems to strangers. I declined my sister’s suggestion to call them. But she told me that if I change my mind, I should and AWARE might be able to help. My friends were also giving me all kinds of suggestions—but I was confused about what to do. At that time, I didn’t want to see a lawyer as I did not know if I should divorce him. I am thankful I decided to call the AWARE help line in the end. Not only was the counsellor comforting and open, she gave me a lot of practical tips about what I could do and the options available to me. When I finally decided to divorce my husband, she even accompanied me to court and gave me the the moral and emotional support. I would really like to thank the volunteer at AWARE who helped me out during my period of crisis.

Counsellor’s Notebook: Single Mom

admin — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 07:44:49 +0000

I had a strained relationship with my in-laws, even before I got married. It became much worse after I gave birth to my baby a year ago. The day I returned home from the hospital with my baby, she started saying things like I was a lousy daughter in law, and therefore I was a lousy mother too. She scolded me if the baby cried, she scolded me if I kept the baby in the room, she scolded me if I brought the baby out. Nothing I did was right. Throughout all this, my husband did not do anything.

After two weeks of this, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I was crying all the time, and I could barely look after myself, much less my new born baby. When my cousin came to visit me, she was very worried to find me in such a state and gave me AWARE’s Helpline number.

It took me another few days before I called. The lady was very sweet. She patiently waited while I cried and told my story in between sobs. It was the first time in weeks that I felt that I could be a good mother.

We explored my options, and I said I wanted to try to talk with my mother-in-law. She role played the different scenarios with me so that I would be more confident when I approached my mother in law. I approached my mother in law the next day, but she did not want to talk. I called the Helpline again. Another lady helped me brainstorm ways of getting through to my mother in law. I tried several ways over the next few days, but things did not improve.

The final straw came when my mother in law did something so horrible. That night I spoke to my husband and told him that I had tried all means. He couldn’t be bothered to listen to me at all, and just told me that if I want to move out, it would be on my own. My heart broke and I cried the whole night.

The next day, I called the Helpline again, and the lady helped me sort through my feelings, and explored my options. I had not asked about divorce up to this time, but knew that it was something I had to face up to.

I am now a single mother to my baby. I am very grateful to AWARE for helping me get through my period of crisis.

Counsellor’s Notebook: A Helpliner’s Story

admin — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 07:48:12 +0000

Any woman can call the Aware helpline for phone counseling and referral services. Occasionally we get a male caller asking for information for a female friend. Although this helpline has been in existence for the last 15 years, there is a degree of confusion about what exactly we do due to our need to protect the identity of our helpliners and callers. This personal account will hopefully demystify things.

I have been an Aware helpliner since 2005. I man the helpline at least twice a month, and each shift is three hours long. If you include traveling time, this easily translates to half a day twice a month or one day per month.

Before we started manning the helpline, we attended weekly training sessions for three months. After being trained our obligation is to help man the helpline for a year. Helpliners are tested and monitored for competency as helpliners way after our training has ended. All helpliners are volunteers and are not paid. Of my original batch, only two other ladies remain. Of them one is still active in Aware and the second is working at Aware part-time.

My main reason for becoming a helpliner was altruistic, just as many others who volunteer: I wanted to help. I also wanted to acquire telephone counseling skills, and Aware provided the training. In helping, I knew I would feel good about myself. I found that I got so much more than that.

In the initial months of manning helpline, I found myself leaving each shift emotionally drained, even weepy. There are many women out there facing multiple life challenges with their lives in dire states. Then I noticed how I started bringing comfort food with me – chocolate, cookies and other munchies.

It took a while but I learnt to disassociate myself from the pain callers were experiencing. I learnt to recognize that my time on the helpline was the caller’s time. Aware was probably her last resort. If I gave in to emotions and cried alongside her, I might be losing this one opportunity to be of service to her. If I gave up on her, she would be likely to do so too. In addition, I needed to remember that her life situation was hers. I could listen, suggest, encourage, even challenge gently but it was still her life and her decision to make. There was no me. It was all about her.

My confidence in my ability as a helpliner grew with time and experience. The Aware Direct Services staff (one full-timer then, we now have one full-timer and two part-timers) would be on hand to debrief after calls, and this added my knowledge. When my obligatory one year was up, I just kept going. I now possessed not only the skills of a counselor and knowledge of the types of referral services available in Singapore but also the experience that could only be acquired with time.

I have affirmed the strength of callers who plough on against all odds. I have attempted to extend hugs of love over the phone. I have smiled, laughed, even cried (in my heart) with my callers. I have nothing but love and good wishes for each of them. And I have never expected anything in return.

Being a helpliner has taught me the difference between empathy and sympathy; compassion and pity; and listening with the ear and heart. Being a helpliner has caused me to reflect on my life, my own challenges and the many things I have to be grateful for. In short, being a helpliner has made me a better person – a better daughter, friend, and woman.

As women, we are able to support one another in a way men cannot. As a woman, I can empathize with heartaches because I have lived through my own share. As a woman and a helpliner, I am abandoning lofty notions of saving the world; instead I am humbling myself in lifting up one person at a time. It all boils down to that one person on the other end of the line.

With this recent state of events at Aware, the helpliners are forging on and it is still business as usual. However the current Exco have been rude to staff, questioned operations, asked to observe and attempted to enter the helpline room. The future of the Aware helpline which has been available to all women in Singapore for the last 15 years is now hanging by a thread.
Anonymous

Helpliners are available Monday – Friday from 3 – 9:30pm at 1800 774 5935.

AWARE’s Direct Services are designed to support women achieve growth and psychological peace of mind. Whether it is learning to handle and resolve a current life crisis, dealing with a painful past, adjusting to change or seeking out new directions, our services can help individuals identify personal areas of improvement, achieve positive change, and realise their highest potential. The Aware Helpline attends to callers in need of phone counseling and provides referral services. The women you’ll speak with have undergone professional training that prepares them to help you with a variety of concerns.

Historic Achievements

JY Yang — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 06:07:32 +0000

This is what AWARE has achieved over the years:

2008 Body Redefined Campaign to encourage Singaporeans to have a broader definition of beauty; promote the ideas that a healthy body is a beautiful body and that confidence is beautiful, and prevent and reduce the physical and mental consequences of negative self-esteem.

We conducted 17 talks in Schools covering Roles of Women in Society; Body Image: Definition of Beauty; Rights of Women & the Penal Code; Women & HIV; Sexual Harassment; and 6 Workshops on Self Defence.

On THINK BOX (ThinkBox brings together businesspeople, academics, women leaders and educationists to tackle relevent social issues affecting women today – its aim is to encourage more women and men to become part of the dialogue on issues of gender equality and understanding).

“Is Singapore Ready for Hilary Clinton?” | “Money: Women & Men” | “Sex, Power and Office Politics” | “Let’s Not Leave Our Boys Behind”

2007 Revisions to the penal code, including issues of marital rape

2007 United Nations recognition of how Singapore has become more compliant with CEDAW (Convention to Eliminate all forms of Discrimination Against Women)

2006 Development of legal reforms that addressed gaps in Singapore’s legislation on trafficking (in collaboration with NUS Pro Bono Law Society)

2005 Equalisation of benefits in the current medical scheme in the Civil Service for male and female officers

2004 Constitutional Amendment to accord the same citizenship rights to the children of Singaporean women as for Singaporean men

2004 Nomination of Braema Mathiaparanam as Nominated Member of Parliament (appointed)

2004 Government’s acknowledgement that men and women play equal roles as joint ‘heads of household’

2003 Policy change lifting the quota restricting female intake in the Medical Faculty at NUS

1999 Policy to allow women to sponsor their foreign spouses for citizenship or PR status

1996 Revisions to the Women’s Charter to provide more protection for victims of domestic violence

1995 Moved to Dover Crescent where our centre is right now

1994 Hedwig Anuar, AWARE founding member, nominated Her World Woman of the Year 1993

1994 MOE decision to offer ‘Life Skills for Boys and Girls’ instead of the previous arrangement which required girls to take home economics and boys to take technical studies

1994 Change to the way police handle rape cases as a result of the Rape Study Committee’s ‘Proposal for standardising and enhancing police procedures in rape management’

1994 Kanwaijit Soin, AWARE founding member, nominated Member of Parliament (NMP) for second term

1993 Shirin Fozdar Trust Fund launched

1993 First issue of AWARE’s annual journal ‘Awareness’ published

1993 Kanwaijit Soin nominated Her World Woman of the Year 1992 (Mar)

1992 Kanwaijit Soin became first woman NMP

1992 Face to face counselling (May) and Legal Counselled (Nov) started

1991 Helpline launched at AWARE Centre, then at Race Course Road

1989 Decision of the Advertising Standards Authority of Singapore (ASAS) to develop new guidelines to curb discrimination in advertisement

1988 Published important report – ‘Population: An issue of current concern’

1988 ‘Stop Violence against Women’ Public Education Campaign (‘Men, Women and Violence Handbook’, jointly with SAWL – Singapore Association of Women Lawyers)

1987 Campaign Against Priority Primary School Registration of Children of Graduate Women

1987 Represented on SCWO (Singapore Council of Women’s Organisations) Task Force for Prevention of Violence Against Women

1987 ‘Alternative Country Report on Women in Singapore’ presented at UN Decade for Women, Nairobi, Kenya

1985 AWARE registered as a society