Coming from an all girls school, I’d never had such an intense relationship with a boy before and it felt strange and unusual for me, yet at the same time it was an exhilarating experience. Even though we felt like a couple, I felt awkward talking about it and was afraid that he might not feel the same way about me. Could it be that he just treated me as a platonic friend? It was a weekday afternoon and the last period for us that day was Chinese Language. The thought of sitting through another boring class in the afternoon heat was unbearable to the both of us. We decided to skip that class and watch a movie in town instead. However, the school gates were locked during that period and we had to crawl under it in order to get out. We ran to the bus stop and quickly got on the bus that would take us to orchard. My heart was racing as we settled ourselves down on the bus seat. In retrospect, I think the thrill of our act of defiance made me feel closer to him and that was the first time I held his hand. I guess that was when we became an ‘official’ couple.

Several months went by without any major bumps in our relationship. The exams drew near and I started going to his house to study. Wee Kiat’s parents never came back till dinner time as they were both working. This meant that we often had his house to ourselves. Our study sessions started to turn physically intimate and one day, he suggested having sex. It did not seem out of the ordinary to me and I don’t know why I consented. It was an awkward experience for the both of us and I don’t remember enjoying it very much. After he had sex with me, I started crying. I don’t know why I did. After all, I did not think it was his fault as I did not resist. But somehow I felt really upset about what I did. I could not bear to tell my friends and family about it as I was afraid they would judge me.

I pretended that nothing was wrong in front of my other friends. But deep inside, I felt I had to confide in someone and get it off my chest and work though my feelings about what I did. I remembered I had seen an article in the newspaper several weeks before about a telephone counselling helpline for women. My parents are the sort that don’t throw out old newspapers very often and I set about to look for that article.  I had never thought of approaching counsellors before but thought that was the only way to work out my feelings without revealing my identity. The hotline was the AWARE helpline. When I called the number, I was tentative at first and I think the counsellor could sense that. However, as our conversation went on, I started to feel more relaxed and started to talk more. All this while, I remember the counsellor was patient, and had a warm re-assuring voice. It certainly made a difference and after talking to her for over an hour, I felt so much better. I didn’t even know what I hoped to achieve from that call—but all I knew was that it gave me the opportunity to talk to someone during a period of confusion and I was happy and relieved that the woman at the end of the phone provided me with that.

One day, when I was helping him to clean his car, I chanced upon a photograph of a woman and he had his arms around her. At first, I grew numb and didn’t know how to react. I knew this had been happening but to actually chance upon the evidence was another thing all together. I cried for days and called my friends and relatives. I was lost and didn’t know what to do. I blamed myself because this was something that I knew my ex husband was capable of doing but somehow always conveniently denied it. My sister gave me the number of the AWARE helpline. I didn’t think it was acceptable for people to talk about their personal problems to strangers. I declined my sister’s suggestion to call them. But she told me that if I change my mind, I should and AWARE might be able to help. My friends were also giving me all kinds of suggestions—but I was confused about what to do. At that time, I didn’t want to see a lawyer as I did not know if I should divorce him. I am thankful I decided to call the AWARE help line in the end. Not only was the counsellor comforting and open, she gave me a lot of practical tips about what I could do and the options available to me. When I finally decided to divorce my husband, she even accompanied me to court and gave me the the moral and emotional support. I would really like to thank the volunteer at AWARE who helped me out during my period of crisis.

After two weeks of this, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I was crying all the time, and I could barely look after myself, much less my new born baby.  When my cousin came to visit me, she was very worried to find me in such a state and gave me AWARE’s Helpline number.

It took me another few days before I called.  The lady was very sweet.  She patiently waited while I cried and told my story in between sobs.  It was the first time in weeks that I felt that I could be a good mother.

We explored my options, and I said I wanted to try to talk with my mother-in-law.  She role played the different scenarios with me so that I would be more confident when I approached my mother in law.  I approached  my mother in law the next day, but she did not want to talk.  I called the Helpline again.  Another lady helped me brainstorm ways of getting through to my mother in law.  I tried several ways over the next few days, but things did not improve.

The final straw came when my mother in law did something so horrible.  That night I spoke to my husband and told him that I had tried all means.  He couldn’t be bothered to listen to me at all, and just told me that if I want to move out, it would be on my own.  My heart broke and I cried the whole night.

The next day, I called the Helpline again, and the lady helped me sort through my feelings, and explored my options.  I had not asked about divorce up to this time, but knew that it was something I had to face up to.

I am now a single mother to my baby.  I am very grateful to AWARE for helping me get through my period of crisis.

I was in such a state of confusion.  I love my husband and I was quite sure he loved me too.  But I don’t want to be hit anymore.

Luckily a friend told me about the AWARE Helpline and I called them up.  The lady calmed me down and helped me think about what I wanted to do next.  She also referred me to a counselor and I went to see her at the AWARE centre.  She helped me clear up a lot of my tangled emotions and helped me see that my marriage was not doomed even though I had to take action to stop the abuse.

Thanks to AWARE, I sought further help to end the cycle of abuse, and I am still married, and we now have a loving relationship.  We are planning to have a baby next year, when hopefully the economy picks up and our jobs are more secure.