Coming from an all girls school, I’d never had such an intense relationship with a boy before and it felt strange and unusual for me, yet at the same time it was an exhilarating experience. Even though we felt like a couple, I felt awkward talking about it and was afraid that he might not feel the same way about me. Could it be that he just treated me as a platonic friend? It was a weekday afternoon and the last period for us that day was Chinese Language. The thought of sitting through another boring class in the afternoon heat was unbearable to the both of us. We decided to skip that class and watch a movie in town instead. However, the school gates were locked during that period and we had to crawl under it in order to get out. We ran to the bus stop and quickly got on the bus that would take us to orchard. My heart was racing as we settled ourselves down on the bus seat. In retrospect, I think the thrill of our act of defiance made me feel closer to him and that was the first time I held his hand. I guess that was when we became an ‘official’ couple.

Several months went by without any major bumps in our relationship. The exams drew near and I started going to his house to study. Wee Kiat’s parents never came back till dinner time as they were both working. This meant that we often had his house to ourselves. Our study sessions started to turn physically intimate and one day, he suggested having sex. It did not seem out of the ordinary to me and I don’t know why I consented. It was an awkward experience for the both of us and I don’t remember enjoying it very much. After he had sex with me, I started crying. I don’t know why I did. After all, I did not think it was his fault as I did not resist. But somehow I felt really upset about what I did. I could not bear to tell my friends and family about it as I was afraid they would judge me.

I pretended that nothing was wrong in front of my other friends. But deep inside, I felt I had to confide in someone and get it off my chest and work though my feelings about what I did. I remembered I had seen an article in the newspaper several weeks before about a telephone counselling helpline for women. My parents are the sort that don’t throw out old newspapers very often and I set about to look for that article.  I had never thought of approaching counsellors before but thought that was the only way to work out my feelings without revealing my identity. The hotline was the AWARE helpline. When I called the number, I was tentative at first and I think the counsellor could sense that. However, as our conversation went on, I started to feel more relaxed and started to talk more. All this while, I remember the counsellor was patient, and had a warm re-assuring voice. It certainly made a difference and after talking to her for over an hour, I felt so much better. I didn’t even know what I hoped to achieve from that call—but all I knew was that it gave me the opportunity to talk to someone during a period of confusion and I was happy and relieved that the woman at the end of the phone provided me with that.

One day, when I was helping him to clean his car, I chanced upon a photograph of a woman and he had his arms around her. At first, I grew numb and didn’t know how to react. I knew this had been happening but to actually chance upon the evidence was another thing all together. I cried for days and called my friends and relatives. I was lost and didn’t know what to do. I blamed myself because this was something that I knew my ex husband was capable of doing but somehow always conveniently denied it. My sister gave me the number of the AWARE helpline. I didn’t think it was acceptable for people to talk about their personal problems to strangers. I declined my sister’s suggestion to call them. But she told me that if I change my mind, I should and AWARE might be able to help. My friends were also giving me all kinds of suggestions—but I was confused about what to do. At that time, I didn’t want to see a lawyer as I did not know if I should divorce him. I am thankful I decided to call the AWARE help line in the end. Not only was the counsellor comforting and open, she gave me a lot of practical tips about what I could do and the options available to me. When I finally decided to divorce my husband, she even accompanied me to court and gave me the the moral and emotional support. I would really like to thank the volunteer at AWARE who helped me out during my period of crisis.

After two weeks of this, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I was crying all the time, and I could barely look after myself, much less my new born baby.  When my cousin came to visit me, she was very worried to find me in such a state and gave me AWARE’s Helpline number.

It took me another few days before I called.  The lady was very sweet.  She patiently waited while I cried and told my story in between sobs.  It was the first time in weeks that I felt that I could be a good mother.

We explored my options, and I said I wanted to try to talk with my mother-in-law.  She role played the different scenarios with me so that I would be more confident when I approached my mother in law.  I approached  my mother in law the next day, but she did not want to talk.  I called the Helpline again.  Another lady helped me brainstorm ways of getting through to my mother in law.  I tried several ways over the next few days, but things did not improve.

The final straw came when my mother in law did something so horrible.  That night I spoke to my husband and told him that I had tried all means.  He couldn’t be bothered to listen to me at all, and just told me that if I want to move out, it would be on my own.  My heart broke and I cried the whole night.

The next day, I called the Helpline again, and the lady helped me sort through my feelings, and explored my options.  I had not asked about divorce up to this time, but knew that it was something I had to face up to.

I am now a single mother to my baby.  I am very grateful to AWARE for helping me get through my period of crisis.

I was in such a state of confusion.  I love my husband and I was quite sure he loved me too.  But I don’t want to be hit anymore.

Luckily a friend told me about the AWARE Helpline and I called them up.  The lady calmed me down and helped me think about what I wanted to do next.  She also referred me to a counselor and I went to see her at the AWARE centre.  She helped me clear up a lot of my tangled emotions and helped me see that my marriage was not doomed even though I had to take action to stop the abuse.

Thanks to AWARE, I sought further help to end the cycle of abuse, and I am still married, and we now have a loving relationship.  We are planning to have a baby next year, when hopefully the economy picks up and our jobs are more secure.

I have been an Aware helpliner since 2005. I man the helpline at least twice a month, and each shift is three hours long. If you include traveling time, this easily translates to half a day twice a month or one day per month.

Before we started manning the helpline, we attended weekly training sessions for three months. After being trained our obligation is to help man the helpline for a year. Helpliners are tested and monitored for competency as helpliners way after our training has ended. All helpliners are volunteers and are not paid. Of my original batch, only two other ladies remain. Of them one is still active in Aware and the second is working at Aware part-time.

My main reason for becoming a helpliner was altruistic, just as many others who volunteer: I wanted to help. I also wanted to acquire telephone counseling skills, and Aware provided the training. In helping, I knew I would feel good about myself. I found that I got so much more than that.

In the initial months of manning helpline, I found myself leaving each shift emotionally drained, even weepy. There are many women out there facing multiple life challenges with their lives in dire states. Then I noticed how I started bringing comfort food with me – chocolate, cookies and other munchies.

It took a while but I learnt to disassociate myself from the pain callers were experiencing. I learnt to recognize that my time on the helpline was the caller’s time. Aware was probably her last resort. If I gave in to emotions and cried alongside her, I might be losing this one opportunity to be of service to her. If I gave up on her, she would be likely to do so too. In addition, I needed to remember that her life situation was hers. I could listen, suggest, encourage, even challenge gently but it was still her life and her decision to make. There was no me. It was all about her.

My confidence in my ability as a helpliner grew with time and experience. The Aware Direct Services staff (one full-timer then, we now have one full-timer and two part-timers) would be on hand to debrief after calls, and this added my knowledge. When my obligatory one year was up, I just kept going.  I now possessed not only the skills of a counselor and knowledge of the types of referral services available in Singapore but also the experience that could only be acquired with time.

I have affirmed the strength of callers who plough on against all odds. I have attempted to extend hugs of love over the phone. I have smiled, laughed, even cried (in my heart) with my callers. I have nothing but love and good wishes for each of them. And I have never expected anything in return.

Being a helpliner has taught me the difference between empathy and sympathy; compassion and pity; and listening with the ear and heart. Being a helpliner has caused me to reflect on my life, my own challenges and the many things I have to be grateful for. In short, being a helpliner has made me a better person – a better daughter, friend, and woman.

As women, we are able to support one another in a way men cannot. As a woman, I can empathize with heartaches because I have lived through my own share. As a woman and a helpliner, I am abandoning lofty notions of saving the world; instead I am humbling myself in lifting up one person at a time. It all boils down to that one person on the other end of the line.

With this recent state of events at Aware, the helpliners are forging on and it is still business as usual. However the current Exco have been rude to staff, questioned operations, asked to observe and attempted to enter the helpline room. The future of the Aware helpline which has been available to all women in Singapore for the last 15 years is now hanging by a thread.
Anonymous

Helpliners are available Monday – Friday from 3 – 9:30pm at 1800 774 5935.

AWARE’s Direct Services are designed to support women achieve growth and psychological peace of mind. Whether it is learning to handle and resolve a current life crisis, dealing with a painful past, adjusting to change or seeking out new directions, our services can help individuals identify personal areas of improvement, achieve positive change, and realise their highest potential. The Aware Helpline attends to callers in need of phone counseling and provides referral services. The women you’ll speak with have undergone professional training that prepares them to help you with a variety of concerns.